It breaks my heart to see people turning their back on you. like, really. It brings tears to my eyes. I can't believe how they let it get to that point, and how 'satisfied' they think they are. I hate it. It breaks my heart and I really want to see them come back.

And I believe it's possible. I've never seen it firsthand, but I believe it. It breaks my heart, though. I don't know what to do. :(

INDEPENDENCE

I need it.
it kinda sucks when  those who you thought would always be there for you, are not.
when you realize that you're not as important to them as you thought you were.
when you realize that there are very, very, VERY few people who truly love you unconditionally.
I'm thankful for them, but it still sucks.

thinking about starting a teaching blog. or something. :)

I totally lost it today (nada que ver la expresión, pero es algo que dicen mucho en Homeland entonces se me pegó) (?)

iba a escribir tipo al mediodía y me fui a ver Homeland instead. that's what I meant.

pero sí, muchas veces tengo ganas de hablar de mi trabajo, de lo mucho que me gusta, de las cosas que me pasan ahí, y capaz debería crear un lugar sólo para eso. en fin.

fue muy divertida hoy la clase (para mí) y para ellos tb creo, porque se rieron mucho (con un 'juego' que inventé ahí mismito). no querés ver si preparaba mejor la clase D: soy un desastre, lo admito. no doy todo lo que podría dar de mí misma, y lo loco es que aún así, les gusta. obvio que a veces hay clases más aburridas que otras, pero en general, lo pasan bien. siempre trato de que haya 'algo' interesante, algo más que sólo completar el libro. (me refiero a mis clases de los sábados)

cómo me gustaría que me filmen y poder verme después. me da curiosidad saber como me ven ellos.

me parece muy loco que este sea mi trabajo, porque de verdad, nunca fui así. nunca fui animadora de fiestas ni nada por el estilo (y dirigir una clase es como dirigir una fiesta) nunca fui de esas personas que recorren un lugar, saludando y hablando con todos (excepto en mi fiesta de 15 años, ahí sí tuve que hacer eso) XD
pero en general, nunca fui así. EXCEPTO AHORA, QUE SÍ SOY. y es muy loco e increíble. ahora soy yo la que les digo que no sean tímidos, que hablen más fuerte, la que recorre la clase preguntándole a cada uno si tiene alguna duda, alguna pregunta, la que cuenta historias de su vida, la que les da consejos, etc etc... yo. siendo la líder. jajaja. es muy loco. pero estoy muy orgullosa de mí misma. y no digo que no me guste, porque me gusta! al menos cuando me caen bien los alumnos y veo que yo les caigo bien a ellos, me gusta.

pero no deja de sorprenderme. no dejo de sorprenderme. soy algo que nunca pensé que sería. no porque no estuviera lista, porque tengo los conocimientos, pero porque no podría. porque tendría miedo. porque le tenía fobia a hablar en público.
hasta que llegó ese día de marzo/abril del 2008 (no me acuerdo) que tuve que dar mi primera clase. qué miedo, y cuanta preparación! jajaja

y la clase de la otra vez que reemplacé, wow. o sea, una sala con más o menos 20 alumnos adultos, y yo. gritando y hablando y sonriendo y haciendo que socialicen y escribiendo y caminando y... I'm proud of myself dammit. dejenmé :3
ah, y nada de preparación. just me and my beloved brain. jajajaaa

y hoy a la salida, pasaron unos ex alumnos por mi clase de ahora, y uno de ellos me dijo "I miss you teacher! the other teacher punched me!" o algo así. lol :B

bueno, y lo que quería decir es, que si dedicara más tiempo a preparar mis clases, serían mucho mejores. y, quiero comprometerme a hacerlo. no es tan difícil,  y hace la diferencia. come on Rommy, you can do it. I'll do it.

no quería hablar solamente de mi trabajo...

recién llegué de la iglesia. estuvo lindo, hace mucho no hablaba con algunas personitas que me caen bien. hace mucho no marcaba mi Biblia. a veces siento que me hablan de algo que ya sé, que para qué tengo que escucharlo otra vez, pero... siempre hay algo nuevo. algo fresco. no quiero endurecerme, no quiero enfriarme, no quiero ser indiferente. no quiero hacerme la autosuficiente. no quiero independizarme de Dios.
odio que quiero hacer algo y no lo hago. qué me detiene? yo misma. no soporto eso.

"La comunión íntima de Jehová es con los que le temen, y a ellos hará conocer su pacto." Salmo 25:14

comunión íntima. just... wow. I want that. no quiero menos. no quiero rendirme, no quiero abandonar, no quiero conformarme, no quiero simplemente sobrevivir.

no quiero preocuparme. no quiero amargarme la vida. quiero confiar, sólo confiar.

I feel like a fool. I don't like it one bit.

I gotta get out of here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I'm begging you, I'm begging you,
I'm begging you to be my escape.

I need to rest. I can't wait until I finally get to rest.

:D

Ah, God. I can't believe how happy I feel right now :D
Youth group was awesome today! Funny thing is, I was in charge of giving the message. I showed them a video, though. An AMAZING, EPIC video that impacted me so freakin' much the first time I watched it, and has the same effect over.and.over.again.

I showed them Kim Walker's testimony. You know, Kim Walker, from Jesus Culture. That amazing woman. I love her so much and I don't even know her. I love her laughter, I love the joy she transmits!

I was a little afraid of showing them that video, I must confess. She speaks of some visions of Jesus she had, and just epic and incredible things she experienced. I was afraid some people wouldn't like that. No one complained, though :) Ya know, I've never gotten to that level, I've never experienced Jesus the way she says she has, but that only makes me want more. I won't give up, I'll keep fighting for more and more of Jesus in my life. Some people might not believe her, but WHAT IF IT'S TRUE?! I don't wanna stay here, not knowing. I mean, I'm another human being, just like her. God is there, available for me. It's just up to me to make our relationship grow and get deeper. It's up to me!!! askjdkfhj

Well... I can't believe I feel this way right now. It could only be you, Jesus. I mean, I talked on the microphone, I prayed, but none of that makes me feel 'good'. I'm nothing, you're everything. I just shared what's in my heart. And that prayer, it was so honest. I mean, I completely forgot about the people listening, I just talked to you, God. I just desperately asked you for more of you in us. I just want you to make us love prayer and love Your Word. And that's what I said up there. I mean, 'accepting you' in our hearts is just the first step! We're not supposed to just do that and stay there forever! No freakin' way! You want so much more from us!

I'm just so overwhelmed. And the new couple at church. Oh man. There's a new couple at church, the guy used to go there before he got married, actually. But his girlfriend was from another church so he moved there, and now that they're married and have a baby, they decided to start coming here again. Oh God. About that, all I've got to say is THANK YOU GOD. They are SUCH a blessing! I can't believe how wonderful they are! They lead worship. They both sing :) and I can just stay that Jesús les sale por los poros. A.MA.ZING. I love them! lol. Today was the first time I had a proper conversation with them, after the service was over... and they're like my dream come true. I mean... I've always complained about how much I dislike when people get out of the temple and it's as if they completely forget what was said there, and they start talking about superficial things again. It's like "ok, the service is over, we don't need to be talking about God anymore, let's talk about life, let's talk about reality". Something like that! But well... I was sitting next to a friend, just talking... and then they came, said hi, said what a blessing the video had been to them... and then they kept talking about... you're right, GOD! Like, they kept mentioning him, they kept just talking about him, normally. On the inside I was like asdfjfkjgk!!! On the outside, I was like ---> :D I told them I was really happy they came to our church and that they're a huge blessing!!!
You know, the girl has a woooonderful voice. And she's nice and humble! That's the amazing thing! Most girls who sing well, usually think they're celebrities and are not humble at all. A girl I know is like that, anyway. She doesn't even say hello to people. So ridiculous to be singing to God and not even acknowledging your brothers and sisters in Christ just a few minutes later. I see no coherence at all!!!
Anyway, this girl is different!!! She is soooo nice and friendly and happy and smiley! And the guy, her husband, well, he's a little more serious but asdkjfdljf it's like Jesus is written all over their face! I love them. Have I said that yet? haha. 'cause I do. I hope they stay forever!!! And I hope the Jesus fever they have gets contagious! I mean, I know it will. I just can't wait to see it spread! :) As for me, I'm in the process. I'm in this beautiful process of just getting closer and closer to you, God. And it's wonderful. I'm so happy. I love you! I can't believe how much you love me! I'm still so happy, this is your joy! Thank you so much. I wanna see you written in all our faces, I wanna see the youth completely devoted to you, God. And here I am, to help in any way I can. I just wanna shine for you! :)

I'm not as strong as you think.

Listening to "Forget and not slow down" album by Relient K... that tells me something.